A Guardian's Mind
by AceandShadow
Summary: Inside the mind of a regular Guardian as they attempt to show what life is really like being reborn of the Traveler


Zavala is always asking;

"What makes a Guardian?"

Then he goes on to explain that it's what's inside us that makes us Guardians. Cayde refers to it as 'the squishy nonsense,' and he's not far wrong. But it's when Zavala says that our past lives define our future as in, who we were in our past lives is what made us who we are today. I'm inclined to agree with him...to an extent.

Very few of us know who we were in our past lives. We wake up with no memory of who we were all what we know is that we were brought back for a reason. We may not know what that reason is – we may _never _know what that reason is – but it made us who we are. Supposedly.

I don't want to be the downer that disagrees with such a profound statement, but what other people don't realise is that none of us want this. We never did. Some of us have adapted to this new life and accepted it. My best friend sees it as a second chance to never stop smiling at the world, no matter how dark it gets. She has always said;

_No matter how dark the night, the Sun will rise in the morning_

And I love her to pieces, but I can't quite get to her point of view and a part of me wishes that I could, but the other part says that it's just a case of lying to yourself, hoping the pain will crumble under the weight of such a lie.

My girlfriend sees it as a chance to enjoy the things we didn't get to in our past lives, 'but with spice' as she adds. She takes her new abilities and friends and plays. The world – no, the System – is her playground. But to her, it isn't all fun and games. She never forgets the pressure of responsibility in being a Guardian. Not anymore. She hates work. I can see where she comes from, in a sense. I only wish I had her selective optimism – looking forward to the good things but despising the bad things.

I'm not miserable, but when you weigh up what we, as Guardians have to deal with and what we have, you could see why I disagree with all these people. So, I'll just come out with it;

Calling ourselves Guardians is the biggest lie we have ever, and will ever have, told ourselves.

Let me put it into perspective;

We see things. We see things that no-one else would want to see.

Things that no-one _should _see.

We endure things that no other person would imagine. We see our best friends die at the hands of renowned bounty hunters and murderers, our worlds get consumed by beings with unspeakable power before our eyes, and our own lives being ripped apart at the seams by all we've seen and all we've done with no end in sight but the end we force.

We see things – or beings – with no morals or endgame goals just hellbent on removing us from their equations and they are usually not easy on the eyes. I look at some of them, particularly the Hive or the Scorn, and I think I'd much rather be blind.

Us Guardians are thrown right in the middle of all that from day one.

Some of us are even thrown into missions where the chances of getting captured or permanently killed are higher than the chances of survival, let alone successfully completing the mission.

I've seen it happen before.

I've been close to it before.

Some of us can't deal with it. I've heard of many a Guardian make a pact with their Ghosts asking to be left unrezzed. Some Ghosts have even done so without their Guardian's consent because their consciences just can't handle bringing back a Guardian time and time again just so that they can, inevitably suffer more. Lots of us don't make it for whatever reason and that's just the world we live in. We either make it or we don't and not everyone is built to cope with that hard fact.

The life we have to endure... It's not for everyone.

We are disturbed from our resting places, wherever they were and awakened after whatever reason we died in the first place to fight whatever is pushed in front of us, using weapons of mass destruction that we've never come across before, let alone wielded, against enemies of unknown quantities.

A lot of us still have good consciences at this point – ones that have never been tainted by such horrors.

We live again only to die, to live once more, learn once more and the cycle continues as such, all revolved around killing things that we have little knowledge about – knowledge we aren't given the time to obtain. Not everyone has time in this life, no matter how immortal one may be.

So, some of us have had to develop coping methods to stay alive ourselves and just to stay...somewhat sane in this lonely world.

We only get given credit for the fighting we do outside the City walls, taking down universal threats, protecting what little we have left, but no credit for fighting for ourselves. None for staying calm. None for staying sane and none for staying well. None for staying whole. This life, as a Guardian...

It kills you in more ways than one. Too many good people lost to a life of eternity.

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for the new abilities, the power we have and the sense of achievement when we complete these taxing missions...but it all comes at a cost. I know we don't always have to be out doing our 'duty,' as Zavala will call it. Sometimes we can break off for a while and just explore. I enjoy it, sometimes.

If I got glimmer for every time there was a spontaneous party in the Tower because a group of Guardians just started dancing around Rahool, or Tess accidentally stood on her music player and set the whole area on a dance train, I wouldn't even need to do bounties or do a dozen Strikes to get paid – I wouldn't even need to _be _a Guardian. It's fun at the time, but when it all dies down and everyone goes about their jobs, it dawns on me how dark it gets.

I'd look at other Guardians boarding their ships, checking into their fireteams and reading their bounties, gearing up and shipping out and I can't help but think that those people are friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, sometimes siblings and they don't know what their jobs hold. They don't know if they will come home at the end of it. No-one does.

None of this comes without cost and you can't see past it, sometimes. Like it's just always dark.

I'm just grateful for the people I've met since I started my newfound new life, because without them, my Ghost, bless him, would be looking for a new Guardian almost as quick as he found me. The only reason I waited this long – long enough to find friends – was because our bond developed so quickly...I couldn't do that to him. It wouldn't have been fair.

So, I gave this life a chance, and the friends I've made, the people I've met..._they're _what keep me alive. Not the Light.


End file.
